Just Another Illusion
by helloeinstein
Summary: JJ pines over Pandora.  There was a significant lack of Panda/JJ after all the lead up and this is my "explanation" from JJ's POV.


JJ couldn't understand where he got the idea that Pandora was a shameless hussy. Well, _he could_: she did cheat on her boyfriend after all. Despite this, she didn't deserve the words that flowed from Thomas' mouth in his presence: "I had sex with someone who wasn't you… I wanted to… You did it first."

"You did it first."

JJ could understand why she hadn't taken him back, even though she herself had committed a similar crime. With Cook. JJ still couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe the shock of seeing them together in the hall, in full view, grasping each other.

He'd considered having a wank over it later, but thought better of it. Pandora was still too innocent in his eyes, despite her obvious faults. Her obvious weaknesses.

Realistically, JJ thought, Panda losing her virginity to Cook seemed appropriate. He had been available; he was around when she needed someone. He was doing it to be a good friend. JJ understood that: Emily had done the same for him.

But Pandora didn't end it with Cook when Thomas came back. She didn't end it with Thomas either. She kept both going. With Thomas, she could be innocent, sweet Pandora, and with Cook she could be wild.

What would she be like with JJ?

They'd never really spoken before, but they grew closer over the summer. They were together the night the girl jumped from the balcony. They had been jumping, too, fittingly. He bore witness to Thomas' confession, to the heartbreak on her face and in her voice. He stood with Thomas and watched her dance. Pandora was a wonderful dancer. The world around her was nothing but a canvas to paint with feeling and raw emotion.

Indeed other people found her attractive.

She was torn apart by Thomas's words. His apparent disregard. JJ knew Thomas was hurting, too; he'd seen it. Like model planes left undone on a shelf, pieces lost and forgotten, longing for the missing part of them.

But "love" wasn't the answer. "Love" was a fictional concept designed around chemical reactions intended for the sole purpose of survival. JJ didn't mean to hurt her with his words, but love was an illusion. Just like his magic tricks that so easily cheered her up; just as are all the things that make people happiest.

That's all Pandora wanted. Lies. She wanted to be lied to, to pretend everything was perfect. Wanted to ignore all the bad things happening around them, enjoy the light and happy things.

JJ was bitter, resentful. It twisted inside him, curling around, tightening into a sickening mass that rose inside his throat, gnawed at his chest, and sank into the pit of his stomach.

He wished Thomas hadn't taken her back.

There, he admitted it.

Nothing good had come of it. He took her back only to betray her in the same manner in which she betrayed him. JJ didn't see the point. It had only caused more sadness. Wouldn't it have been better just to leave it?

Wouldn't it have been better to let him have a chance?

A chance to woo Pandora with magic tricks and teddy bear pajamas. To be wooed in return by tricks and pajamas of her own.

They understood each other.

Cook had seen it. The look on his face when he asked "Why not?" The crooked smile. JJ threw him off with his hostility, only to regret it when he realized Cook had no idea what he'd done.

He felt horrible. He felt even worse after the incident with Dave Blood-the new college director, Cook, and the unwarranted can of mace.

The look JJ shared with Pandora would have given Cook another crooked smile, but no one else noticed.

She wasn't at Emily and Naomi's barbecue. Thomas was. He was even better friends with Thomas now. They were interviewing for jobs together. BFFs.

He didn't see much of Pandora. When he did, he fucked everything up with his bumbling. His utter stupidity. Why couldn't he ever, just once, do something right?

Next time he saw her, definitely.

Panda was at Effy's party. JJ and Thomas walked up as she was talking to Freddie about knobs and kitchens and where's Effy? Seeing Thomas makes her sad, and JJ doesn't like that.

She slapped Thomas. She _slapped _him. And then, worse, she kissed him. Right in front of JJ. Full on the mouth, quick, subtle. _Kissed Thomas. Right in front of him._

She had no reason to think it would effect him, but It made him sick inside.

Pandora still loved Thomas; Thomas still loved her. JJ was friends with them both. It wouldn't be fair. It wasn't fair. He couldn't stand it.

Could. Not. Stand. It.

Lara Lloyd. Her hair was blonde. That was enough, surely. And she was beautiful. He liked her all right, she was nice. Well, she was amazing. She was no Pandora Moon, but she was close.

Thomas threatened to ask her out if he didn't. To take someone else away. Surely he was joking this time, but JJ could not allow it.

"Lara Lloyd, will you go out with me?"

When she said yes, he was amazed. In awe. Stupefied.

He became entranced by Lara, revolved around her. Pivoted. Her and her baby and hope for the future. He tried so hard, too hard, and he lost her.

Lost her. It was his fault this time. His fault. He couldn't blame anyone but himself for this deplorable fuck up.

She said yes and he fucked it up. Ruined it. Pissed on it, really.

He had to get her back.

JJ thought up a plan, and it was a good plan. A ukelele filled plan. Pandora would have loved it, and in an alternative universe, an alternate timezone, a different world, he would have done it for her.

But he was Thomas' friend, and Thomas was his friend. Pandora was his friend, he was Pandora's friend. Thomas and Pandora stilled cared for each other, and even if they didn't, he couldn't. Guy code. Friend code. It was unrealistic, and what else did he have? The Three Musketeer's was shit, his father hid behind a newspaper all day every day. His mother still saw him as a child, incapable of doing anything for himself.

Lara was worth it. Well worth it. She was thrilling, gorgeous, excellent in bed... and if he couldn't have Pandora, she would have to do.

...for now.


End file.
